It's Ok to Not Be Ok

Hey, guys! It's been a little while, and I'd love to know how January's been treating you in the comments below.

But I'm back (yay!) and I'm feeling much better.

Last month I had set goals for myself to blog regularly, think more positively, and to take advantage of the places around me and include them in my photos. But my goals are intentions, aka. ways I could improve myself, not things I HAD to get done.

I didn't want to force myself into doing something that I didn't feel mentally ready to do.

A few days ago things got a little bit too much for me. I felt as if the longer I hung around my friends (even my closest ones) I had to hold this level of happiness and wear it every day, like makeup on my face. That the longer I wore it the heavier and more patchy it got- the more I just wanted to wash it off.

Like I had this "expectation" that I was supposed to be this super positive, happy girl all the time.

The other day was kind of like looking in the mirror for the first time in a while. Looking at myself, I looked drained, like there was this invisible weight sitting ontop of me I had never seen before.

But I think what upset me the most was that I'm not normally like this. That I'm not the one to cry, even when I did. It's like the tears just rolled out of me like the cap had popped off a bottle, and that the bottle was my mind bubbled up with thoughts.

My mum was the first one to tell me, "it's okay to not be okay."  Following that, I received a text that was sent to me my one of my teachers; she said I was a work in progress, and that I could win this tournament and be happy... Signed, my biggest fan.

I was reassured that even if something had not gone how I planned, there would always be another path and that I had to stop being so hard on myself all the time.

It's okay to have a little break down in front of your mum and your best friend because they're there to listen to you. Nobody should feel like they have to wear a smile on their face when that smile doesn't want to be shown.

Although it's been much longer than I originally planned since my last post, I just want to let you know I'll still be writing on here, just at my own pace.

And I also hope you guys are still here for me, even if I decide to not write on a regularly!

Have you ever felt like you were carrying a weight on yourself? How did you cope?